Here’s what you’ll get this week (and every week):
A cold email before/after rewrite from one of YOUR submitted cold emails
A tactic to make complex sales simpler
Where you’ll find me this month
Rescue pup of the week
My LinkedIn nemesis of the week
Cold Email Rewrite of the Week:
Thanks to all who responded last week with a cold email for a rewrite!
Nothing ALWAYS works, and nothing NEVER works. But, it’s often helpful to see a different take on the same email.
This week, David is prospecting a CRO of Pitchbook - a $500M company that sells data, research, and analysis on public and private capital markets.
David sells a solution to help revenue leaders improve the accuracy of their forecasts and spot potential risks to pipeline opportunities.
Let’s see what David drafted:
Let’s start with the subject line: Is there a better way? “🍊 v 🌀”.
According to Lavender AI’s analysis of 1B+ cold emails, using a question mark in the subject line reduces the likelihood of an open by 56%. Superlatives like “better” hurt us, too.
Why?
Logically - if we don’t know the sender and they’re emailing us about a “better way” - it screams “cold email”.
Now, the preview text (the first line of text in the body of the email).
Love that he started with something about the reader (instead of an “I” statement).
His specificity is what stands out. He doesn’t just say he loved the podcast. He’s specific about the part that resonated most. He doesn’t go overboard with excessive compliments. It’s short, punchy and to the point.
However, I’m not sure what it has to do with the rest of the email. The logic flow is unclear (to me).
Now, the rest of the body.
Execs scan their emails. So, we should write in short, choppy sentences that are easily skimmable.
David can kill the “I”s. Kills 2 birds with 1 stone. Less “I” language + easier to skim.
Personally, I think the “I also noted your” sentence is too generic. Kill it. What CRO is NOT looking to improve outcomes? If it applies to everyone, it means very little to someone.
Next, he found the prospect was featured in a competitor’s case study.
David did his homework. He knows he’ll need to find an under-appreciated risk/cost to how they’re currently solving the problem.
But, the language of “there might be a better way” probably isn’t the right fight.
Buyers don’t operate solely on rational logic. Often, they’ll settle for “good enough” solutions, even when shown a “better” option.
Buyers know the road to “better” is littered with change, risk, and extra work. It’s why companies often stick with subpar, “good enough” alternatives.
Because of that, email is a pretty terrible channel for pitching a solution.
However, it’s a great channel to spark curiosity on a problem.
Instead of jumping to David’s solution - spark curiosity on an under-appreciated risk/cost to how they’re solving the problem today.
Frame it with unsure tonality and it’ll invite the reader to correct us. Correction = a reply.
For the CTA - I love that David doesn’t ask for time or drop a calendar link. “Open to seeing…” is a less assumptive way to get a reaction from our prospect.
Lastly, the PS is fun and playful. We don’t have to write like a stiff English professor. This screams “David took time to learn about me”. But, by placing it at the end (not the beginning), it doesn’t feel forced.
Here’s how I rewrote it to prompt a problem vs. pitch a solution:
