Here’s what you’ll get this week (and every week):
A cold email before/after rewrite from one of YOUR submitted cold emails
A tactic to make complex sales simpler
Where you’ll find me in August (free virtual event)
Rescue pup of the week
My LinkedIn nemesis of the week
Cold Email Rewrite of the Week:
Thanks to all who responded last week with a cold email submission for a rewrite!
Nothing ALWAYS works, and nothing NEVER works. But it’s helpful to see a different take on the same email.
Eric is prospecting a VP of Supply Chain at a $7B industrial distributor in North America.
Eric’s company targets accounts that import into the US (or export out of the US). Their solution manages a company’s entire supply chain from the origin (overseas) to their door, so the prospect doesn’t have to work with various freight forwarders and customs brokers.
Let’s see what Eric drafted:
Let’s start with the subject line: Prospect Account Name <> Our Company Name.
I like this subject line for an in-flight opportunity but less so for a cold email.
It’s a common subject line for cold emails. So, prospects can often tell it’s going to be a cold email before they even open it. Instead, try one of these 4 frameworks. I opted for the Internal Camo framework in my rewrite.
Now, on to the preview text (the first line of text in the body of the email).
Big fan of what Eric did here.
He killed the “I” and jumped right into the observation that led him to reach out. A great line of preview text helps the reader understand: “what did I see about you that caused me to believe you, specifically, might be experiencing the problem our solution addresses?”
He doesn’t introduce himself or say, “I hope you’re well” to the reader. He respected their inbox by getting to the point.
Now, the rest of the body.
Execs scan their emails. They don’t read them like a fiction novel. We want to write in short, choppy sentences that are easily skimmable.
A great way to do this is to kill commas in sentences.
Instead of “In working with other Supply Chain VPs in the industrial space,...”, bring those social proof examples forward and write a direct sentence:
“Home Depot and Grainger were hit with increased lead times due to cargo capacity constraints.”
This also allows us to kill the bullets. Bullets are often a sign that we’re trying to do too much in an email.
Instead of listing ALL of the problems we solve, pick one for email #1. Pick another for your follow-up email. Keep cycling through problem hypotheses. This also helps us write shorter emails.
Now, let’s think about what this prospect account sells. When their customers are buying from this prospect, it’s usually because something important in a facility has broken. HVAC, plumbing, electrical supplies.
Let’s go back to the problem Eric’s company solves for their customers. Increased lead times. Heads of MRO can’t afford a 2-week delay for a replacement part. If the shipping times are longer vs. a competitor, they’ll go with a competitor.
Now we’re on to a big problem. We can frame that with unsure tonality (ex: “not sure if”).
We don’t need to ask “are these areas on your radar?” We know they are. They’re core to any VP of Supply Chain’s job.
Instead, we can be specific.
Lastly, our close here is way too wordy. This is common in cold emails.
Instead of simply seeking problem alignment, our tonality shifts, and we go into a hard sell for the meeting.
This eats up a ton of words + makes the seller sound needy. The reader doesn’t care if we, a stranger, think there will be a mutual benefit. Of course, we do. We’re trying to book a meeting.
Here’s how I rewrote it:
Want a rewrite of YOUR cold email?
Simply reply to this newsletter with the account name, prospect name/title, and your cold email (don’t forget the subject line).
I'll pick one, rewrite it, share the before/after + explain the "why" behind the changes in the next week's newsletter.
I’ll anonymize your name/company name/prospect name (unless you don’t want me to).
Tactic of the Week:
There’s a ton of talk about intent signals.
But, we’ll creep out our prospects if we say, “I saw you were on our website looking around.” Here’s a step-by-step breakdown of how I treat intent signals instead: Cold Emails for Intent Signals.
Where You’ll Find Me in August
Every day, a new AI tool claims to have transformed the outbound game.
John Barrows and I are skeptical.
Clay — the latest of these supposedly "magical" tools — is being put to the test.
Watch 12 of Clay's most staunch advocates ("Clay Experts") compete live to solve real-life business challenges, from pipe gen to qualification, in an effort to show us that Clay is the real deal.
This adorable 6 year old gal was surrendered after her family was displaced and couldn't take her with them. She’s a bundle of love, who kept rolling over for belly rubs when Nick took her pictures.
