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DemandJen Weekly Newsletter

Making Complex Sales Simpler

Here’s what you’ll get this week (and every week): A cold email before/after rewrite from one of YOUR submitted cold emails A tactic to make complex sales simpler Where you’ll find me this month Rescue pup of the week

Cold Email Rewrite of the Week:

This week’s submission hit me in the heart.

I decided to share his submission note because it speaks to why I love working with sellers.

This isn’t a “lazy rep” who “just isn’t working hard enough.” This is someone who WANTS to do well, loves his company, isn’t making excuses, and wants to deliver an exceptional Sales experience for his prospect but is having a hard time.

Because the job is HARD.

Here it is:

See that hyperlink of “this list”?

It outlines all the “don’ts” when selling to cybersecurity leaders. If you’re selling into this title - check it out. It’s really good. And most of it applies to ANYONE we’re prospecting.

Not just cybersecurity.

As always, nothing ALWAYS works, and nothing NEVER works. But it’s often helpful to see a different take on the same email.

So, let’s see what Kwan submitted:

Let’s start with the subject: “cyber security”.

Love the length. 1-2 words have the highest likelihood of a reply. But, when selling into ENT accounts - it helps if we can spark a bit more curiosity. Let’s write the rest of the email and come back to the subject.

Let’s dig into the body:

• Preview text - not specific to their company. Missing a chance to show them it’s an email about THEM. What did we hear/see/read about their business that gave us reason to believe we should have a convo? We also see a lot of commas in that first sentence. Commas = too much going on in that sentence. We want to write our emails so they can be skimmed by busy execs in between meetings. Short, punchy sentences.
• Problem hypothesis - not specific to them. This email feels like it could be sent to 100 others. The reader should be able to understand why we decided to contact THEM specifically, right now. My suggestion? Use ChatGPT 4o as a research assistant. “Who’s the CEO of Aritizia?” “What’s her last interview where she talks about the company’s objectives?”. In 30 secs, it led me to this article. This allows me to do discovery before the discovery call. It tells me the big priorities for the business (which will feed into what MY buyer is working on).
• Social proof - love the accounts he chose to reference. Their CEO describes Aritzia as an “everyday luxury” brand. I like Kwan’s logic of choosing luxury ENT brands like Dior they might aspire to be like. But, he’s making his own company the hero in this line. We’ll tweak it to make the customer examples the hero.
• Solution pitch, not problem pitch - not saying we can NEVER talk about what we do. But, if we haven’t identified a specific objective/problem, it reads a bit like “oh by the way - here’s what we do - want some?”. Instead, as the article above suggested - give them something that helps them run their own learning process, before we ask them to look at solutions.
• CTA - love this. Confirm problem relevance before asking for time. Helps cut down on word count + sounds way less naive then “How’s next week for a quick, 30 min call for us to discuss?”. Execs don’t think a 30 min call is “quick”. See #16 in that cyber article for a buyer’s rationale as to why that language rubs them the wrong way.

Here are the tweaks I made to rewrite it:

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Want a rewrite of one of YOUR cold emails to a target account?

​Reply to this newsletter with the account, the subject line, and your email.

I’ll pick one, anonymize it, and feature it in next week’s newsletter.

(Oh, and please consider forwarding this newsletter to others on your team. You might be set, but maybe they could use a 2nd opinion?)

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Tactic of the Week:

Getting ghosted on a September contract signature?

Instead of sending “just checking in” emails - here’s the email I send instead

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Where You’ll Find Me:

I'm teaming up with the Sell Better squad for 2 shows this week.

​Signal-Led Prospecting - How to Do It (with Florin Tatulea at Common Room)​

​Discovery Tactics (with my enemies, Will Aitken & Kyle Asay)​

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Rescue Pup of the Week:

Meet Zoe. An 8-month-old sweetie who is as soft and sweet as a teddy bear! She’s so friendly, loves pups and people, and never stops wagging her tail. Great family pup!

Available for foster or adoption at Many Paws Global Rescue in Palatine, IL.
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What'd you think of today's newsletter? Loved it! Meh - it was okay. Not good.

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